Why won't calgon take me away?

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have ever had. I came home from work rather early because there wasn't any patients for me to x-ray. I got home about 6:45am and I crawled into bed with my husband and son. John started to get up to go to work and I just curled up with Damon and went to sleep. It wasn't a sound restful sleep. It was very uncomfortable and shaky. When Damon finally woke up about 10am I knew something was wrong with me. When I left work I tested my sugar and it was a little over 400. High....but kinda normal for me. As I tried my hardest to focus my eyes and fight my awful headache...I couldn't stop shaking.

Damon and I made it downstairs and as he is asking me for eggs and toast I am searching for my glucose meter. I find it and take my sugar. The reading at that time was 94. A normal number for many people, but for me with sugar that is so high. That number is too low. I call my doctor and leave a message for her to call me and I briefly tell her about my numbers. I don't know if I should eat and I don't' want to take my insulin. I am so new to this disease that I am still unsure of myself at times. Anyhow I figure a small snack won't hurt. So I eat two graham crackers and a small glass of milk. About 25 minutes later my nurse calls and wants to know my sugar after my snack. So I take it and it is 228 but I am feeling just as bad as before if not more. She says she is going to talk to my dr and call me right back.

Fast forward to about 45 minutes down the road...I am laying upstairs in my bed while my son is playing on my bed with his trains. It is so hard to describe the way I am feeling but it is bad and I have never felt like this before. My nurse calls me again and wants to know what my sugar reading is now. I take it and it is 388! My dr. wants to see me right away and do some urine tests. To tell you the truth I was scared to drive myself and there wasn't anyone to take me. I get damon dressed and I litterally roll out of bed and we leave.

My urine is clean for protein and my sugar came down to 323. My dr adjusts my insulin. I now take 30 units of lantus at breakfast and at dinner and my novolog has been increased at every meal. Then Dr. N tells me that my GAD antibody test came back and it is positive. That means that I am a type 1 diabetic and not a type 2. Dr. N then tells me that she called the endocrinologist (that I have an appointment with in 3 weeks) and says that I need to get into her now cause I am feeling worse and worse with each passing days and my sugars are still not under control.

To make a long story short...I see Dr. K tomorrow. I am glad but nervous at the same time. I CAN NOT KEEP FEELING LIKE THIS!!! I have a headache that is so bad...I am in so much pain....and this pain does not seem to end.

I am so sick to my stomach, my vision is not working correctly, I am terribly fatigues, and everything just aches. To make matters worse my period started yesterday. Bloody terrific! I wonder what kind of news tomorrow will bring....

Never too old to learn new things....

So this has been an interesting and informative week for me. Let me just start this post by saying that supportive people are the most important people in the world. I have a better appreciation for them. Let me tell you why. About a week ago I got an email from my husband's grandmother who also is a diabetic. The email was a bunch of rambling. But then I got to a couple of sections that really angered and hurt me. Basically she said to me that me having diabetes is not a surprise because "I have had this coming to me for a long time" and that "food is poison to me" and I need to continue to loose weight because I "have a long road to go." I was so upset and so hurt when I read this. Nobody wishes diabetes on themselves and no one deserves it. It is a disease that can be controlled and it can also lead to death if you don't take the proper care of yourself. How could some with diabetes tell me that I had this coming to me. True I did have an unhealthy life style and I am not the thinnest person in the world. But I did not ask for this and no one should EVER say things like that to you.

To make things worse, when I told my husband about this he agreed with everything that grandma said. I was hurt, upset, and emotional by what he said to me. My husband of all didn't stay beside me. In anger I told him that he is much more unhealthier and that I hoped he got diabetes as well. After I said that I kicked myself cause I wished on him what I don't wish on anyone. To make a long story short. I am still hurt what his grandma said to me and that I regret what I said to him. However, he is more conscious of what he puts in his mouth. I hope that together we can be more supportive of each other and both of us can be healthier people.

My week started this week with an early AM dr appointment. It was a check to see how I have been doing on my novolog and also to let me know what some of lab results were. My good and bad cholesterol are normal but we are still waiting on my GAD antibody to come back. Hopefully I will find out at the end of the week what that result is.

My dr was very happy cause my fasting sugar that day was the lowest it has ever been since I started monitoring it. It was 133!!! I was sooo happy. Dr. N feels that I should stay at 58 units of lantus and 2000mg of metformin until I see my endocrinologist (in 2 weeks). Then to keep dosing my novolog according to my blood sugar. That makes me happy. I have been feeling a little more energetic so that is a plus for me.

My best friend (who lives 3 1/2 hours away from me) came up to watch my son during the week while I go to my diabetes classes. She has been an angel. That morning we made splenda chocolate chip cookies together and let me tell you I will NEVER make those again. I would rather make the real thing and only eat 1 than to eat the crap-o-la that we baked. I am still trying to get that flavor out of my mouth. So after eating the cookie and cleaning up the mess I left my house to go to class. Class was actually very informative. A lot of stuff I new already because of all the books I have read to educate myself. But it was great cause I was in a classroom full of newly diabetic who were going through the same thing. Minus the fact that I was the youngest person under the age of 62! Jokes were made about things that happened before I was born and they were way over my head. Everyone would laugh when my age was brought up.



This is the only time I felt incredibly young! Hahaha

Afterwards I went home and we all decided to go shopping for dinner. Tacos for the kids and fajitas for the adults. I love making fajitas cause they are so healthy! Lots of veggies and low carb tortillas. So I took my sugar before I ate dinner and it was 488! Gosh I wanted to cry. But I ate dinner with the kids, jenny, and my husband. Afterwards we went swimming cause I wanted to get some exercise in and wear my son and Jenny's daughter out at the same time. 2 hours after dinner and 1 hour worth of swimming my sugar was down to 135. Go figure! That was a huge drop. Something must not have been right.

Now today I had my second class and it was better than the first class. I am excited cause in one year there will be a party for my fellow classmates to see how we are doing and how far we have gone in one year. Not only that but there is also a support group that meets the 2nd monday of every month and I am looking forward to becoming a member. I hope that there are relay walks in the future. I think it is important to become a member in the diabetic community. These classes excited me about exercise and how to eat properly. I am just glad I can find support outside of my house.....

I wish I had fingertips made of steel....

So I was diagnosed. Dr. W put me on a low dose gluecophage. I was instruct to take one pill at breakfast along with my fasting blood sugar (BG) and one at dinner along with my BG two hours after I eat. I was surprised to find that the feeling in my arm came back after a day or so. But I was still tired, still fatigued, and still thirsty. I was hoping for overnight success. To be cured by a single a pill was my hope. But that wasn't the case. Dr. W told me that if my sugars ever get over 500 that I need to call her right away. Since being diagnosed my sugars always ran between 300-400. From what I have read and from what people told me I should try and eat between 30-35 carbs. I found that easy. But I was always hungry! Cardboard even seems appealing to me. I thought that eating carbs or eating food would drive my sugar up and I didn't want it to get any higher. I was eating like a bird and my numbers were going up.

One day I drove down state to my co-workers house (about 2 hours from where I lived) and when my son and I got to her house I wasn't feeling good. Soon as I got there I thought I should check my sugar just to see where I am at. It was 579! That was one hour after I ate a grilled chicken sandwich with extra lettuce minus half the bun. My son had a happy meal and I was chugging down the water. I just wanted to cry. I thought I ate healthy and I am doing everything right...why is my sugar still going up. So I called my family to let know where I was and what was going on. Cue my mom who started bawling and my very frequent phone calls from my dad. I promised that Iwould not drive home with my son until my sugars where much lower.

In the meantime I talked my dr's PA. She instructed me to take two pills with dinner and to eat all protein that night. Thank goodness for my co-worker Missy who also happens to be diabetic. That night we went for Chinese and she told me the secret to eating out is to fill up on salad first and then to get your meal. Frankly after my salad I was full....but I did have to get my protein in. 2 hours after dinner my sugar was in the upper 200s! I was feeling better...not so shaky...but man was I tired.

A few days letter I met with the PA. Her name was Charlotte and she was so wonderful! I was a crying buffoon. I don't cry at home, or when I talk to my family about my situation, or when I talk to my co-workers. But the moment I step into a drs office I turn into the hoover dam and the flood gates just open and the flood starts. She said I was doing everything that I was suppose to but my body needed more help and she started me on 16 units of Lantus Solo Star. I didn't want to be on insulin cause I didn't want to poke myself with needles for the rest of my life. However, feeling the way I was I wanted to get back to normal. I was instructed that every three days I need to get my fasting average. If that average is above 100 then I need to increase my two units. Then my poopaphage was changed to something more stronger. I started taking 2000mg of Metformin.

The first two days I felt better. The shots were a breeze. I found it less painful and much easier than pricking my finger. That job beloved to my son. He loved being the one, "to poke momma's sugar". He is such a good boy. He knows mommy can't eat sugar and he begs me all the time to let him poke me. Hahhaha. Feeling better only lasted over the weekend. It didn't seem to touch my BG numbers. I met with Charlotte again two weeks later and at that time I was up to 24 units of insulin and I was still feeling tired. Charlotte upped me to 34 units of insulin and had the diabetes clinic at my hospital get in touch with me to start classes.

Fast forward to that following weekend. I had just arrived to work (at 6:30pm) and I felt that awful feeling I felt when I was Missy's house. So I took my BG and it was 525. I had the hospital operator page Dr. N for me and she instructed me to go right to ER since I was already there. Nothing was really done other than the fact that Dr. N told my ER dr to up my Lantus to 40 units for the next day. I was discharged and punched back into work. That was the worst weekend that I have ever worked. I was tired, had a massive headache, and my muscles were so weak I had tremendous difficulty lifting and moving my patients.

That week I started my orientation for my classes. The women at the center were great. They were comforting, supportive, and shocked at my BG numbers. I learned that I wasn't eating enough carbs. I was told that I need to keep my carbs between 40-50 carbs at each meal. I learned more about the diabetic exchange and lets not forget that the hoover dam exploded again. It is so humiliating when I loose control of my emotions in front of people I just met. Why does this always happen at dr appointments?

That night I increased my carbs and I was skeptical. No matter what I put in my mouth my levels always shot up. How could eating more lower my numbers? Surprisingly they knew what they were talking about! My numbers didn't go down but they didn't go sky high like they normally did. Few days later I went back to Dr. N for a check up and she decided that I am insulin resistant and thinks that I am a type 1 diabetic and not a type 2 diabetic. Dr. N then increased my insulin to 50 units and gave me novolog to take at each meal. New rules for my units: If my fasting average is above 100 then every three days I need to increase my Lantus by 8 units. My novolog units range from 10-6 units depending what my sugars are like before I eat.

I have been on novolog for almost a week now and at first I was feeling amazing! My energy levels went up, my headaches got smaller, my muscles feel stronger and my appetite got better. However there still isn't much impact on my BG numbers. I am still in the high 200's-300's. I have just had some labs done to see what my GAD is. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist and there is talk between my dr, PA, and councilors that I may be looking at going on the insulin pump.

Let me just say that the unknown terrifies me. To me the pump seems like a desperate attempt to control my BG levels. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am doing everything I am told to do and nothing is in my control. I DO NOT want diabetes to control my life...I want to be in control of my diabetes. I have made a promise to myself that I will do everything I can to get healthy and maintain that health. I want to set a good example for my son and my husband. I do not want the complications of this disease. Perhaps that is why I cry like a baby in the drs office cause I am scared of what COULD happen if my levels are not controlled. I am angry and frustrated and scared. No matter what I read and what people tell me I still feel like I brought this on myself.

I want to meet other people who are just like me. I know there are people out there. I want to get involved with the local diabetes center and do any kind of activity they offer. I wanna educate myself better and those around me. I know I have a LONG journey ahead of me and everyone says that it will take a while for things to get normal. I want a fast result and I know that won't happen. So it is all one day at time.

I have a blood clot! Not diabetes!!!

So I start this blog because I want to find an online support system with other diabetics. Hi! My name is Stacey and I am a newbie blogger and newbie diabetic. I am 27 years old, married, and a mom to the sweetest little boy in the world. I thought I would start my story from the beginning to catch everyone up to where I am now.

I haven't always been the healthiest person in the world. After I graduated from high school, I turned my life around. I started a uber healthy life style. I was in the best shape of my life. I was happy, healthy, and in college. Then I graduated from college and moved away from home to start up my career. I met my husband, got married, and had a baby. Being pregnant, for me was awful. I didn't enjoy it one bit. I was on bed rest for high blood pressure and boy oh boy did I pack on the baby weight. My son is three years old and I still have 25 pounds of baby weight to take off.

So lets fast forward to the end of May 2008. I just had my gallbladder taken out and was working on recuperating when I started to not feel well. My mom was up at my house helping me mend, watch my son, and feed my husband. I started getting really light headed, dizzy, and fatigued. Being the worry wort that my mom is she talked me into going to the ER. Which I was dreading cause that is where I can find all my c0-workers. I am an x-ray tech and I work very closely with all the nurses and doctors in the ER. I didn't want anyone to see me vulnerable and weak.

I had the normal work up done. A cbc showed that my blood sugar was 286. Dr.B the ER doctor told me that I should follow up with my family dr cause my sugar was quite high, but he also reassured me that I did just have surgery and my electrolyte balance was off. So I did as instructed and Dr. N did another set of blood work and everything came back normal. She too agreed with Dr. B. It was my electrolyte balance and just to keep drinking liquids. I was happy and satisfied but also a little annoyed. I went to the ER for that?! Ok...

Moving right along comes the month of July and I noticed that I was having vision trouble. My vision kept moving in and out of focus and it was getting harder and harder to read smaller words. Which frankly did not worry me at all. I am literally blind as a bat without my contacts/glasses. I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary cause I hadn't been to the eye dr in over a year and I knew it was time to make an appointment. Which I did and again everything seemed to be fine. Not huge changes. The dr thought that my astigmatism might be getting worse and ordered a better set of contact lenses. Aka....really expensive.

Then comes the month of August and I will always remember this date, August 23rd, 2008. This was the date after my son had just turned 3, yet it was the date of his birthday party. It was right after lunch time and I saw it. An ice cold bottle of water sitting on a patio table and it was calling to me. Begging me to drink it. I was full on drooling! I didn't even think anything of this cause it was a incredibly hot day. Upper 80's and outside all day playing with all the kids. I could not stop craving water.

But as the next 4 to 5 weeks went by my thirst for water grew. I would see a glass of water and think to myself, "You have to get that water inside of you right now! Then you have to refill that glass and drink it as fast as you possibly can. Then you have to keep drinking until you can drink no more!" But that was hard cause as soon as I stopped drinking water...literally seconds after my mouth left the glass I would get really parched and dry mouthed. Still no warning flashers going off for me cause it was hot and I wasn't running the air conditioner. Night time would come and I was up all night drinking water and going to the bathroom. I was up so much that I didn't get hardly any sleep and I would go through the day like a zombie.

For as much as I craved sleep, I craved water more. Oh water! Glorious water! I never new it to taste so good. Oh and cold water! I felt like I was having a sinful love affair. It was the best damn feeling in the world. Many people might feel that I am over reacting but I am not at all. My dad (who is also a diabetic) and I refer to it as the "Water high". I have never done heroine and have no desire to ever use it, but I can only describe my water sensation to that of a drug addict shooting up and getting high. Water was my high and I could not get enough of it.

I did tell my mom about my thirst for water but I tried to down play it cause she tends to overreact. She started freaking out and telling me that I was diabetic and I needed to go to see Dr. N as soon as possible. "Nope, sorry mom, I am not diabetic." But my water high caught up to me one night. I woke just after midnight and had to use the bathroom like crazy. When I got out of bed I noticed that I could not feel my left hand. I just thought to myself, "Eh pinched nerve. I laid on it funny. The feeling will come back." I then did my business, I filled my never ending thirst with three ice cold glasses of water, and went back to bed. When I woke up about an hour later I noticed my arm was numb. So I shook my arm, banged it against the mattress as hard as I could (without waking my husband), tried pinching it until I could feel it...but nothing worked. So I did what I normally did went down stairs used the bathroom and filled up on another three glasses of ICE COLD WATER!

But this time I didn't fall asleep. I stayed awake trying to think of everything possible that I could do to get he circulation back in my arm. Then I freaked out. "OH MY GOD! I HAVE A BLOOD CLOT! I NEED AN ANGIOGRAM!" My husband woke for work a couple hours later and I told him right away that my arm is asleep and it won't wake up. His response was something along the lines of, "you need to see a dr". So I then did the next crazy thing and emailed my mom and told her what is going on. Again off she goes, "YOU ARE DIABETIC! SEE A DR NOW!!!"

I am not diabetic! I have a blood clot! So I sit up the rest of the morning and I am waiting for my son to wake up. I keep thinking do I call Dr. N or do I got straight to the ER? Well my son woke up and my arm wasn't getting any better. I feed him breakfast, get him dressed, get myself in the shower, and then call the dr. I have an appointment in 40 minutes and I am racing around the house thinking of who to call and watch my son so I can get have my angio and remove my blood clot.

Finally I get to drs office. I deposit some urine right away cause I think, what the heck, why not? My son and I get called into the office and while I am trying to make sure he is entertained I am talking to the nurse and explaining that, "I work in x-ray and I think I have a blood clot but that can't be because I am drinking a lot of water. So what is wrong with my arm?"

"Stacey, how much water are drinking?"

"I don't know...gallons."

"How many gallons would you guess in a day?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes"

"I don't know maybe six or seven."




Then she starts staring at me like I have horns growing out of ears. "You have lost a bit of weight ya know. Have you been trying?" Gosh was I getting angry. Yes! I have not gotten all my baby weight off. Yes! I feel like a whale...although my wedding band was fitting much more loosely. I wasn't there for a lecture on loosing weight! I was there cause I have a blood clot. I am doing everything I can to remain calm cause I think my nurse is crazy.

"That's great! I am not trying...but I am all for loosing weight. Must be from drinking so much cause I am not hungry at all."

"Hmmm. You said you left your urine behind in the bathroom. I will be right back."

So I am sitting in the office and my son is going crazy. We have already been there way to long and he is at his ropes end. I just want to get my armed looked at so I can go. I we are waiting there and Damon is playing with the worlds most annoying toy when in walks my nurse again.

"Stacey the dr wants me to get one quick poke of your blood. We have a really fast blood test we want to do on you. It is called the A1C test. It will take less than a minute to get the results and then she will be in here. OK?"

"Sure."

So Damon and I are trapped in the exam room at least for 20 minutes and I am thinking what the heck is going on? Why isn't anyone taking me seriously. Then in walks Dr.W and nice young woman that I have never met. She tells me that Dr. N is on vacation and she will be taking care of me until she gets back. She sets down close to me looks me in the eye and says, "your urine is loaded with sugar and your A1C is eleven." Well that was Greek to me. I shake my shoulders and I frown at her. "Stacey, your diabetic."

I am utterly and totally silent. The only one making noise is Damon. I begin to do the lower lip quiver and I shake my head in denial. "What! No I am not! What is wrong with my arm?" I start crying cause diabetes is so strong on both side of my family and I am scared. I had a great aunt that went blind, two uncles with missing legs, one uncle that needed a kidney/pancreas transplant, a diabetic father and cousins. I knew what diabetes could do to a person and I didn't want that for me! I want to be able to see my grandchildren and run on my own two feet as I chase them. I didn't want a disease to control my life. Why the hell did this happen to me? I should have taken better care of myself. I did this to me. It is all my fault!

So that is the long and short version of my diagnosis. No, I did not have a blood clot. Dr. W (who is a wonderful and very caring person) assured me that this was nothing that I did. But I still can't help feeling angry at myself for not taking better care of my body. Maybe I would still end up diabetic....but maybe that would have been later in life. Every symptom that I was having was a sign. She tells gives me some glucophage (shoot...more like poopaphage), a glucose meter, and more reading material than I can shake a stick at. I call my husband at work, tell him the news, kinda cry a little, then ask him to come and get Damon. I couldn't give my son the attention that he needed. Being extremely emotional, I needed to be alone. Not to mention that I had a had a whole bunch of blood work that I need to get done at the lab.


So to sum it all up. I am a diabetic. I am hoping to meet some people through my blog that are also new diabetics. I am having a difficult time controlling all my sugars because I am insulin resistant. I have more to type but I just want to put myself out there. If you have been diabetic or are a new diabetic I would like to get to know you. I have so much I wanna say and questions I wanna ask. No please keep in mind I am an xray tech. Not an english major. I do appologize for the spelling errors. My goal is to try and update my blog once a day....if not atleast once a week. So please keep checking back here....